Staying with MIL

That day Chubby’s friend actually asked Chubby how can I stay with his mother (aka my MIL). Well, I smile at such a comment.

Seriously speaking, I have never imagined myself staying with my ILs when I was in my younger days. I always assume that I will stay alone with my partner. Only when things didn’t really go the way as planned. First we couldn’t get a flat of our own. So we had to put up at my ILs place. Then because of Zai, we got our MIL to stay with us (on weekdays) so that its easier for everyone. And subsequently she sold off her flat and stay with us for good.

Its really not easy staying with someone who is not your own parents. I mean, we have been living with our own family members for years. So we sort of got accustom to the living habits of theirs. But to lived with someone else who is like a stranger is really different. You have to accustom to their habits all over again. It takes a lot of tolerance.

I’m not saying I’m really good at it. But luckily, so far I was able to stay amicably with my MIL. It helps that my MIL is not a very picky person and I’m sure there are things that she have to tolerate about me. Its just we need to be very forgiving to each other.

Here are some pointers which I would like to share.

Be really tolerant especially for minor matters. If need to, close both eyes. I think this is so damn obvious, but its really the hardest thing. There are things that I don’t like and my MIL does it. I can only tolerate. I don’t expect her to change, since she have been living like that for the past 50 years. How do you expect her to change? Besides, is it really life and death threatening? If it is not, close both eyes, if closing one is not enough. Think of it in another way, you have been living for only 20 to 30+ years, can you then change to do what she is doing? If you can’t, she needs twice the effort as you, since she has been living like that for twice the amount of time.

Accept the fact that you are only a DIL and not a daughter. There is differential treatment, which is normal. Put yourself in her shoes, when you become a MIL yourself, do you think you can also treat your DIL equally as your daughter? For me, I think I also can’t. Favoritism occurs in every human being. Its really difficult not to practice it. So between her own flesh and blood and you, the answer is obvious most of the time. And also between your own Mum and MIL do you treat them differently?

Hubby is not the solution to your MIL problems. I don’t deny that I sometimes voice my questions about his mum. But I try to do it in a question way. Meaning, what is her rationale in doing this? Sometimes, Chubby may provide some insight, although most time he couldn’t. But Chubby knows I’m just venting out. I’m not expecting him to come out with a brilliant solution, cause we all know he can’t. No point turning your frustration to him, cause it just hurt the marriage.

Learn to forget. Really, most things maybe your MIL didn’t do it on purpose. Or to her, its just normal, she didn’t mean any harm. No point in dwelling onto the matter, it just make living difficult for you both and when things crop up, you remind yourself of all the past events again, making it even more difficult to resolve matters. Its a vicious cycle. So learn to forget all the non important stuff.

Do not have expectations of your MIL. Don’t expect her to help you do things like your own mum. Its not her responsibility. If she helps, be thankful of it. If she doesn’t, its just normal. When you don’t have an expectation of her, you will find that she is much easier to lived with.

Okie, thats all I can think of for now. A pic of my MIL and Zai. 🙂

MIL and Zai @ Fa Qi Ren Bak Kut Teh

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